No doubt you are aware of the American illusionist David Blane.

You may recall he was frozen inside a block of ice in New York’s Times Square for 72 hours and stood motionless on top of a 150 foot pedestal for two days.

He’s a huge star all over the world for his amazing illusions.

Unfortunately Mr Blane’s refuses to appear in Cheshire where he believes the stunts performed dwarf anything he can dream up.

A forthcoming council spectacular plans to make bullying disappear at the exact moment a ‘consultant’ materialises with an invoice for £150,000.

An even more sensational act is about to take place with HS2 where trains travelling at the speed of light will hurtle from London to Manchester bypassing every station en route thus cutting 50 minutes off your journey time providing you don’t want to get off at your local station.

This is but a prelude to the blockbusting stunt to end all stunts when hectares of greenbelt will disappear into the ether to be replaced by high-density housing.

As crowds gather and celebrations begin, an enormous firework display will light the night sky with the message: ‘Street lights not in use’.

Thousands of taxpayers will then be taken for a ride on ‘Gridlock,’ CEC’s answer to Galactica where residents blast through an advanced portal to their place of work at almost two miles an hour.

Who needs David Blane?

THIS IS A NEUTRAL ACT…

I THINK Dear oh-dearie-dear: The chairman of a committee investigating alleged officer misconduct at Cheshire East Council has been asked to step down from his duties.

Cllr Howard Murray, Conservative member for Poynton East and Pott Shrigley, has relinquished his role as chairman of the Investigation and Disciplinary Committee.

The council says it has received information which ‘raises concerns about actions taken’ by Cllr Murray while serving on the Investigation and Disciplinary Committee.

To be honest, I’m getting completely lost as to who is and who isn’t still in office at Cheshire East.

Along with all the suspensions plus five independent police investigations, including the former council leader it seems the head of the investigating panel is now err…under investigation and to cap it all CEC have invented a new cop-out phrase ie every new suspension is ‘a neutral act.’

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Half the damn council are under investigation.

How can that be a neutral act?

It’s like some weird maths exam.

“If a large number of suspended executives = One Neutral Act, how many Neutral Acts are required for a Constabulary Investigation (Please give your answer to the nearest redundancy pay-off).

Look, take no notice of me I’m rambling.

I’ve been following and writing about local councils for more than 20 years.

I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly but this one has me completely bamboozled.

I have no idea who’s investigating who and whether the ones doing the investigating are under investigation.

I don’t know who’s suspended and who isn’t.

I don’t know where Cheshire Police are up to with their numerous investigations no one will tell us.

All I do know is it’s costing a fortune and we’re paying.

Sorry, I have to go and lie-down now in a darkened room and contemplate my council tax.

AIR TRAVEL MAKES ME SICK

Returning home from dog training the USA I was hoping for a quiet flight.

I didn’t worry when the captain asked us to fasten our seatbelts somewhere over Newfoundland.

I thought it appropriate considering I reeked of Labradors.

But this wasn’t your standard fasten-seat-belt request.

We were heading into massive turbulence.

My dinner tray suddenly shot off my lap, flinging its contents all over the terrified passenger sitting across the aisle.

Everything that wasn’t bolted to the floor rattled, the din was unnerving. I tightened my seat belt just as hard as I could fearful that I might follow the dinner tray.

The lady next to me buried her head in her hands. Kids screamed while unconvincing parents tried to tell them it was just like riding a roller coaster (except for the Atlantic Ocean).

Turbulence rarely lasts long but this time it did. We were taking a serious buffeting.

It’s amazing the things that flash through your mind. (Like will I live long enough to see Simon Cowell button up his shirt.) Things got really rough…everyone was queasy, even Hugh Grant was sick and he was in the movie.

At one point a large American guy staggered down the aisle towards the toilet. “Sit down,” yelled the Geordie next to me. “You’ll fall on someone.”

The American gave him a one-finger salute and the Geordie returned it with two fingers.

I have no idea what that was about…probably something to do with the exchange rate?

When things finally calmed down we breathed a huge sigh of relief and complete strangers chatted like friends reunited.

Isn’t it wonderful what shared adversity can do?

By our colmnist Vic Barlow